For years, every Sunday around 11am my parents would call me.  It didn’t matter if we had just talked the day before or not.  This was their time when they would get on the speaker phone together and call me.  Today I really missed that.  I know that I haven’t had a call on a Sunday since July but today it hit hard.  I was with Dad for most of July and then August was crazy with his funeral and the trip to DC.  It’s been since March with Mom…

I really miss them.  Just the little nuggets of wisdom they seem to give me to help me get through the day to day things in life.  Sure, just like all parents they would nag and get on my nerves but it was just because they loved me and wanted me to be happy and healthy.

I tried sleeping through the 11am hour…it didn’t work.  I woke up before and stared at the clock and strategized how long I could sleep to avoid the feeling.  Didn’t work…I have been having crying jags all day.

Someone on Facebook yesterday posted about having a phone in heaven so you could talk to your loved ones…that would be great.  I’m sure there is some grand scheme in life why we have to be separated from our loved ones…

Mom and Dad, I miss you ♥

Well the first week back to school and I lived.  It was a good week and all in all I feel good.  Tired but good.

My brain wasn’t working to full capacity at times.  It took a few days for certain signs to pop back into my head.  Encourage….how could I forget that sign…

After the summer I’ve had (I can hear Jerry and I saying “Best summer vacation EVER!” in are sarcastic tones) it was good to get back to work. I’m hoping that work will help me get through all the sadness.

The kids that I’m interpreting for this year are great. Typical middle school kids, hyper and hormonal. I love it though. I also love the school where I’m currently placed. The people there are so friendly. It’s nice to feel like I’m part of a team.

I’m sitting in our hotel room at the Gaylord Nation Hotel & Convention Center.  I can’t believe I’m not at home.  It’s been a crazy summer.  Gone for a month in Michigan, home a week and then here. The time in Michigan was precious, I wouldn’t give up that time with my dad for anything.

It’s actually nice to be out and about with Jerry.  I really missed him this summer.  Even sitting and watching TV with him is SO much better than watching it alone.

We arrived in the DC area on Tuesday.  We won’t have much time to be tourists.  We did walk around the National Harbor on Tuesday.  It’s a nice area.  Much nicer than the Landings in Jacksonville.  It’s been over 15 years since I’ve been to the Inner Harbor Baltimore so I can’t really compare that anymore.  Although the Inner Harbor memories still outshine The Landings.  Jacksonville really needs to work on that and make it a destination spot.

Yesterday, Jerry’s company had a golf outing.  Jerry takes pictures for his companies events and he needed a driver so he could hop out and snap some pictures out on the course.  I volunteered   Little did I know that it would be the rainiest day of the week (so far).  It was still fun and Jerry and I laughed through the wind and rain.  I will note that sitting around in wet pants for the luncheon and awards wasn’t very comfortable but at least it was a shared misery with the 70+ golfers.

I’m on my own today.  I plan on doing absolutely nothing except enjoying the resort.  My knee is getting better but it could probably use more rest.  I want to be ready for next week when I go back to work.

Monday I buried my father.

Monday afternoon my family was in turmoil and now who knows.  I guess Mom and Dad were the glue…

Tuesday I came back home to Jacksonville.  I received a letter from my sister who no longer wants to have any contact with me.  Things were said that I don’t know if I can ever get past.  On the flight down I looked over at Jerry and could feel my heart getting lighter as we got closer to home.

Wednesday my family was an episode of cops….Glad I wasn’t there to witness it.

Thursday I felt bad for the family.  It will never be whole again.

Today has been quiet.  I needed this, I slept most of it away.  Tonight I’m going out with friends for dinner.

My dad passed away on August 5th.  I’m sad about it all but I was prepared for it.  He had been sick for a long time.  In and out of the hospital for the past two years.  I thought he was getting better after my mom passed away in April of this year.  He seemed to be getting stronger for a couple of weeks.

Let me back up here a little.  Dad sheltered us.  He didn’t tell us things because he thought it was better that upsetting us.   He knew that Mom’s time was short but never let us know that until after she passed away.  He also never told us the full truth of what the doctors said.  We know this because during his last stay at the hospital he got mad because on of the doctors had told us that the cancer had spread to his liver.  I’m sure he knew that because Mom had that kind of cancer that we would put two and two together.  I’m not mad at him for sheltering us.  It was his way of protecting his family.

After Mom’s death, Dad was moving in the right direction.  He was getting around better, able to fix his own meals (kinda) and stuff.  He started chemo after that and seemed to get a boost of energy from that.  It was a facade though.  The chemo didn’t work, in fact the cancer continued to grow and spread.  It also effected the only kidney he had left.  His poor little body couldn’t keep up.   His weight kept dropping and at the end I doubt he weighed 100 pounds.

I flew up  here on July 7th. I’m so happy that I had that time with him.  We laughed at his shuffle walk, watched Deadliest Catch together and had some great conversations.

I will miss Dad.  Although he is with me everyday.  His humor will always be with me.  I can’t help being goofy, silly and punny, just like he was.  So yeah…I’m doing okay

My Dad is currently in the hospital and waiting for a bed at a Hospice facility.  He is weak and is having a hard time communicating.  He wears two hearing aids and they just don’t seem to be working well.  I don’t know if it’s because his whole body is weak or what.

Enter the iPad and a Draw app.  It has really helped this week.  He can still read and so I have been writing on the “sketch pad” to communicate.  His voice is weak so I try to ask Yes or NO questions.

The best part is that today is his birthday.  We had been saying “Happy Birthday” to him all morning but it wasn’t until this afternoon when I wrote it out on the iPad that he understood.  He smiled and even gave us a celebratory hospital bed dance

Who knew that my iPad would become such an important part of the last days with my father.  It has really helped us communicate the past few days.  He tried to write something back to me today but he is so weak that it look like little scribbles…he finally got enough voice to tell me that it said “cool”.  He is the coolest dad

Dad has been in a the hospital for 13 days now. He has decided to go with Hospice care as there is nothing more they can do for him

I knew this was going to be a hard summer but sometimes even the known can be sad. My poor father probably only weighs 100 lbs if that. Pretty much all of his muscle mass is gone and even holding a cell phone in his hand tires him out. I feel bad that there isn’t anything I can do for him. I try to help as much as he lets me but I get my stubbornness genuinely.

Today they took out his IV for his fluids. I think that the end is closer now. No one wants to wish their father dead but I know he is suffering.

I’m glad I came up here though. I got some quality time with Dad. Being away from home for a month is hard. I’ve missed Jerry and my cat, Tabitha. Jerry flew up here today.

With Jerry by my side it will be easier to handle this week.

So I’ve been here in Michigan for just over a week.  I have forgotten how much energy it takes to take care of someone.  Between the fetching water, fixing meals (that sometimes aren’t eaten), laundry, grocery shopping, and running to doctor appointments it can tucker a person out.  I think most of it is mental drain though.  There are hours during the day that I don’t talk to anyone.  It can get lonely.  I check Facebook a lot and have leveled Farmville a ton..hehe

Dad is doing okay.  Not spectacular but okay.  He hasn’t been nauseated at all this week *knock on wood* and he is eating pretty good.  He is sleepy though.  I try to stay out of his hair so he can nod in and out of sleep and not feel guilty that he isn’t entertaining me.

I miss my family.  It’s hard at night to go to bed alone and not have Jerry and Tabitha hogging the bed.  Wait…why am I complaining about this…

• Cancer bites.
• Walkers should be easier to move out of the way when sitting down and trying to watch tv.
• If you don’t feel good after you smoke, why do you continue to smoke?
• Cancer still bites.
• I have no clue how I’m doing any of this.
• I wonder if this is how mother’s feel taking care of their children.
• I’m not a very good care giver.
• Why can’t pharmacies and doctor offices get their act together?
• There aren’t enough carbs in the world to comfort me right now…
• I don’t really like this condo.
• Caner $%^&ing bites!
• I miss Mom…
• Lonely…

So very very true!  Cherish the moments.

The first time I heard this song (Dolores) I was like wow…and more and more it has meaning in my life. Thank you Rebecca Zapen for your talent!