Guilt

Dad has been home now for about a week.  I guess he is doing okay.  He doesn’t really talk on the phone because it’s hard for him to hear so I’m not 100% sure on things.  I say this because my Mom has been sick with some kind of flu the past week and is a little vague about things.   If I take the bits and pieces of what she tells me I get freaked out and feel super guilty about not being closer to help out.  I did get her to say she needs to call the doctor but I have my doubts that she’ll actually do it.  They are stubborn! 

Guilt is a terrible feeling.  I’m not getting it just from that front either.  I am feeling guilty because I’m selfish and want to get out of town and have some fun. 

 Emotions are complicated…

I get overwhelmed by them at times.  I often think about sitting in the “rec room” of an asylum and just playing with the other patients.  Like somehow that would be easy. 

Ok..I’m not really crazy, but I would like the easy life sometimes…someone to do all my thinking, cleaning up after me, and just take care of me.  *shrug*

cancer bites

I’m sure everyone would agree with my title.  No one says “whee…I have cancer” ….  Dad found out earlier this week that his cancer has come back and is inhis right kidney and ureter.  This wasn’t really surprising news as we all thought it might be back. We had sat down with the Doctor after the diagnostic scope, he said it would probably be in 2 to 3 weeks before they could do anything, depending on the results.

Dad saw one Urologist this morning who said that the best they could do is monitor him and keep him comfortable until he died.  Dad didn’t like that much.  Don’t blame him.  Finally his own Urologist came to visit and Dad told him he wanted surgery to remove the cancer.   Dad told mom that when he told that to the doctor they kind of “lit up” and got excited.  So for now, the plan is that Dad will have surgery to remove the kidney and that cancer infected ureter on Sunday. 

What a terrible thing to have to do, decide how you want your end of days to be.  I can’t even begin to fathom the range of emotions people go through during those decisions.  Heck..I can’t even decide what I want for dinner most nights. 

I wish I lived closer so that I could be with my Mom and Dad during the surgery.  I know they both could use a chuckle and some familiar faces surrounding them.  *sigh*

Michigan

Here I am in Michigan.  I flew up on Thursday because I thought my dad was going to have some cancer removed.  It turned out that they were just doing more diagnostics and had never actually seen any tumors. 

Friday that changed.  His doctor said that his right kidney and ureter were full of tumors and that they would have to wait for the pathology and then go from there.  He hadn’t talked to Dad yet so he couldn’t tell us exactly what we should do but he though that the tumors needed to come out.  That makes sense to me.  Remove what’s bad so the body can try to compensate. 

I think that’s pretty much what Dad is thinking too.   The doctor is worried about the quality of life at this point.  Dad is too.  He has seen his friends/family go down both roads and have ended up passing after the same amount of time. 

Dad’s doctor said that it would probably be a couple of weeks before the surgery but they would know more on Monday.   Hurry up and wait..that what health care seems to be lately. 

All in all, I’m glad I made the trip up here.  It’s cold and I miss my Jerry and Tabitha.  My mind is a little more at ease.   I’m hoping the next few weeks I will be able to remember how I’m feeling right now and use that to give me strength.

Knowing is half the battle

Last week I was saying to Jerry that I was more happy than I was sad during the day.  I thought this was a great accomplishment.  I only had one crying jag and was feeling pretty good. 

That’s when yet another shoe dropped later that day.  Dad ended up being sent to the ER because of high potassium levels again.  Thankfully they got to it quickly so I don’t think it was nearly as bad as it was a month ago.  He was still able to have his scope on Saturday and they did find a blockage.  This was supposed to be an out patient procedure but they decided to keep him and are doing another procedure today.  Jerry has been wonderful during this all.  I know I’ve been a pain to live with and honestly it’s not really fair to him.   It was his family that passed away…not mine…

We distracted ourselves on Saturday by making a road trip down to Del Taco to pick up Star Trek Online collector cups from the Macho Menu.  Now that we have acquired these cups, we can have “Shuttle Pets” during the game.  RAWR!  I wasn’t feeling the best on the trip.  I was stressing about my dad although,  I started to feel better on the way home which coincided with Dad getting out of surgery.  I think it was the healing properties of the York Peppermint Patti that made me feel better.

I’m trying to come up with small goals to help me move into a healthy frame of mind.  I did get up early and had the dishs in the dishwasher before 7am…so Yay me!  I wish that was all that needed to be done around the house but I’m afraid it’s a whole lot worse.  At least I recognize the problem..that’s half the problem right? Haha.

Slowly but surely…

As most of you know it’s been a rough 18 months.  Jerry and I are trying to get back to some normalcy (whatever that means).

One of the ways it not to eat out as much.   This week, so far, we have cooked dinner in.  Jerry grilled, we had some spaghetti and tonight we are having ultimate comfort food,  Meatloaf and Mac ‘n Cheese.  I don’t mind cooking at all.  In fact, I think I’m a pretty darn good cook.  I don’t usually use recipes but just kind of think of things that would taste yummy together and viola…a meal.  It was one of the first things to go by the wayside when we were heading up to the nursing home all the time.  Yes, I know..I get out of work at 2:30pm and had plenty of time but I could never motivate myself.  Needless to say, Jerry and I have both gained some weight.  That’s what happens when you eat out all the time.  Sure, we played the “we’ll order a salad and it will be okay” game.  Unfortunately the salads usually accompanied an order of something not so good for us.  While I’m still not anywhere near to feeling top notch, I do think that cooking at home is helping.

Now if I could just find the motivation to start cleaning again….

2010

Happy New Year!

As I reflect on the past year, and decade I am reminded that while recently it’s been tough that again I’m am truly lucky.  Jerry and I bought our house this past decade.  Enjoyed many trips early in the decade.  I went back to college, got my degree in Sign Language Interpreting and landed a job with the school system.  We also had some sad moments, especially Jerry’s parents passing away.  They will be missed.

I was recently reminded to live each day to it’s fullest and I’m going to try to do that.  Although for today we are going to just relax and enjoy that new year feeling with all it’s hope and potential.

May your New Year bring you good healthy, prosperity and many blessings.

Funeral Arrangements

Today was long.  All the arrangements are done.

Hewell & Son Funeral Homes
4747 N Main St
Jacksonville, FL 32206
(904) 355-9545

Wednesday – Visitation – December 30, 2009  6pm-8pm
Thursday – Funeral Service  – December 31, 2009  10am-11pm
Commitment Service – 2:30 Grave Side   Oaky Grove Cemetery Tifton, GA

Update 12/30: Obituary

“I don’t gotta do nothin’.”

So today my little Fit lite it’s fuel gauge light and informed me it was time to get gas.  Ok, we’ll head to our neighborhood Shell Station @ 940 Post Street because I want to support local merchants.  I pull up and swipe my card, the screen lights up and nada.  So I head into the store, already disgruntled that the pay at the pump isn’t working and flash my debit card and said “Here is my card, I would want to fill up my car but the pay at the pump isn’t working on pump number 4”.  I immediately get “Oh yeah…umm..pump 4 is actin’ up…”.  So I admit that I was a little terse and said “Then you should really put a sign on it so people do try it and then have to come all the way in here just to get gas….  Here’s where a good Shell Oil representative would have said “I’m sorry for you inconvenience but I can swipe your card in here and you can fill up, etc.”  BUT instead I got, “I don’t gotta do nothin’.”  Which at that point I turned around, walked out and said “You’re right, you don’t”, drove off and headed to another gas station for service.  Which ended up being 2 cents a gallon cheaper.  I know it seems petty that I let that get to me.  Why should I pay for attitude?

Ho ho hmm

Three days until Christmas and I’m still trying to get that feeling that seems to be everywhere but with me.

MIL isn’t doing so well.  She isn’t eating and today she barely talked to us.   Seems to be a pattern in my life that is getting harder and harder for me to handle.  Not sure how Jerry does it.

My Dad is also still in the hospital.  He will definitely be there for Christmas.  I think he’s trying to make the best of things there though.   Which is good…positive attitude and go a long way.  I need to get me some of that…

Jerry was back to work today after being off for nearly a week.  I actually was pretty lonely around the house today.  I fought the urge to call him many times.

A year ago, Christmas, Jerry had the flu and I didn’t want to cook a whole feast for just me.  I don’t even remember what I had last year…it wasn’t Chinese, I think it was snacks from Walgreens.  Wasn’t going to have a repeat of that this year so today I made a trip to the Honeybaked Ham store and picked up lots of goodies for us to eat over the holiday weekend.   I’ll hit up the Publix tomorrow for some staples to go along with the feast.

I do have tons to be thankful for in my life.  And believe me that isn’t going unnoticed.  Each day I say “thank you” for my blessings and try to keep those in mind when the rest of this envelops me. Many of my friends have been very supportive and I really appreciate the little comments.  They mean the world to me.  I can never really explain how much I appreciate them.  So in the words of Tiny Tim, “God Bless Us, Every One!”